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The news about former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry
Sandusky’s alleged sexual abuse of young boys is sickening and scary.
And sadly, it’s not uncommon. But instead of pulling the covers over our
heads, we can use news like this as an opportunity to learn about the
signs of abuse so we can prevent it from happening again. There are
things we can do to keep our children safe. Keep reading for tips that
can strengthen our kids, our families, and our communities against the
threat of pedophiles.
Having “The Talk”
You
don't have to scare your children in order to keep them safe. Teaching
them the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching will
go a long way in protecting them from predators. As early as age 3,
children should understand that parts of their body are private and that
it's not okay for just anyone to touch them. Here are some things to
keep in mind as you start the conversation.
Start simple. There's
no need to go into the mechanics of how babies are made; keep the birds
and the bees conversation separate from the one about "okay" and "not
okay" touching. After all, pedophilia is not about sex as much as it's
about abuse. Ease into it by explaining how certain parts of their body,
those covered by a swimsuit, are private. No one should touch them
there except for Mommy and Daddy (or primary caregiver) when they're
being cleaned—and the doctor, too, but only if Mom or Dad is there in
the room. Don’t go into a whole "some people are bad and do things that
hurt kids" explanation; just focus on appropriate and inappropriate
behavior.
Use real names for body parts. Avoid
calling your child’s private parts by cutesy, made-up names. “It makes
kids think that there is something weird or shameful about their bodies,
and they’ll be less likely to tell you if someone touches them,” says
Sharon W. Doty, author of Keeping Them Safe: Protecting Children from Sexual Predators and Evil in Our Midst: Protecting Children from Sexual Predators. Use “penis,” “testicles,” “vulva,” “vagina,” and “breasts” instead.
Think beyond “stranger danger.”
Instructing your child to never talk to strangers is good advice. But
the truth is, 80 to 90 percent of abuse is committed not by strangers
but by someone the child knows well—and possibly loves. “Abduction is a
lesser concern,” says Char Rivette, executive director of the Chicago
Children’s Advocacy Center. “You have to worry more about who your child
spends time with on daily basis.”
Don’t keep secrets.
Sex abusers almost always manipulate the children they molest through
secrets. They’ll tell kids, “This is our secret. You can’t tell your mom
because she’ll be very mad at you.” Remind your child frequently that
no adult should ever ask her to keep secrets. And that includes you. “If
you keep a secret with your child, it confuses the message that it’s
not okay for other grown-ups to do,” says Rivette.
Believe your child.
Establish a relationship of faith and trust with your kids. If you’re
constantly questioning what they say, they may be more reluctant to tell
you if something has happened to them. When you’re talking about
inappropriate touching, let them know—explicitly—that you will believe
them and that you will never be mad.
Warning Signs and Risk Factors for Abuse
You
can’t drive yourself crazy being suspicious of every adult that comes
into contact with your child, but since abuse often follows the same
pattern, there are some warning signs you should be familiar with.
Know what to look for.
No one wants to be suspicious of their own friends and family members.
But you don’t have to be if you’re familiar with the most common red
flags of a pedophile: - Prefers spending most of his or her time with children over peers - Allows children to do things that their parents don’t allow - Makes fun of children’s body parts or describes children with sexual words such as “stud” or “sexy” - Seems obsessed with the sexual activities of teens and kids - Asks adult partners to dress or act like a child or teen during sexual activity - Looks frequently at child pornography - Masturbates so often that it gets in the way of important day-to-day activities
- Has put themselves in a position of dealing with children (coach,
teacher, counselor, etc.), in addition to other troubling signs
Be suspicious if your child is singled out as “special.”
It’s always flattering when a teacher, coach, or counselor recognizes
all the wonderful qualities your child possesses and seems to favor him
or her over other kids. But this can be a major warning sign.
“Perpetrators groom kids by singling them out and making them feel
special,” says Rivette. True professionals are not so transparent about
preferences.
Be extremely wary of one-on-one time.
Once a pedophile has singled out a particular child, the next step is
getting that child alone. The perpetrator may suggest private tutoring
time, one-on-one tennis lessons, or even sleepovers or camping trips.
As flattering as it may seem or as excited as your child may be, don’t
allow this private time.
Don’t ignore family history.
“Abuse tends to be intergenerational,” says Rivette. “If you have a
history of sexual abuse in your family, your child may be more likely to
be a victim.”
Choose your child’s own male role models. Many
child sex abusers prey on the kids of single mothers, who may be more
anxious for a male figure in their lives (and 95 percent of all
perpetrators are male). These men also take advantage of the fact that a
single mother likely has less time and less help, and may welcome
someone who offers to babysit or help out.
Don’t take sleepovers lightly.
As parents, we’re used to making sleepover plans with our kids’
friends’ families on the fly. But Rivette warns that we shouldn’t be so
casual when it comes to where our children spend the night. “Don’t allow
a sleepover unless you know the family well and have been to their home
many times. Ask exactly who will be there and what they will be doing.
If anything strikes you as odd, trust your instinct.”
Evaluating a Program for Safety
How
can you make sure that sports team or after-school club you’re signing
your kid up for has done everything it can to weed out potential
abusers?
Ask about background checks. Most
schools and youth organizations conduct criminal background checks, but
they may not screen for child abuse and neglect. Encourage them to do
so. (And even if the school/program says they screened everyone, ask if
they checked fingerprints.) Also, you should ask: do employees receive
training in child-abuse prevention?
Meet everyone who will be working with your child. Often,
we’ll meet the head counselor of a camp, but not the possibly dozens of
other counselors and instructors who will be with your child on a daily
basis. Make it a point to ask the program director to introduce you to
all of the employees. Besides getting to know them, you send predators
the message that you are a parent who pays attention. “Sex abusers don’t
choose kids whose parents are very involved,” says Rivette.
If You Suspect Abuse
We
hope you never have to have this conversation, but if you have a bad
feeling that your child might have been abused, there are steps you
should take.
Ask questions. To encourage your
child to talk, simple, open-ended queries such as “What’s the best thing
about going to Sam’s house?” or “What’s the worst thing about going to
his house?” help open up discussion, says Doty. You can also preface a
conversation with something that gives the child some freedom. For
example, you might say, “I remember once I did something that I thought
my Dad and Mom would be upset about, so I didn’t want to tell them. But I
finally did tell them and it was okay. Has anything like that happened
to you?”
Look for changes in your child. Signs that something might be going on:
- Sexual behavior that is way beyond their years (a 4-year-old
imitating sexual humping, for example, or using R-rated words for body
parts that they’ve never used before) - Regressive behavior (acting much younger than they are) - Increased dependency on non-abusing adults - Withdrawal and isolation from others - Increased aggressiveness or hostility - Sudden fear of the dark - Frequent nightmares - Changes in sleep (either insomnia or increased sleeping)
Act quickly. If you suspect something, stop all contact between your child and the person, then call your state’s children’s protective services hotline.
The hotline professionals may also instruct you to call 911, as well.
Don’t confront the suspect, as that only gives them time to mount a
defense. If you’re unsure if anything has happened and worried about
slandering a possibly innocent person’s name, “always err on the side of
protecting kids,” advises.
You probably heard it from your own parents: Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day. But now you're the one saying it — to your
sleepy, frazzled, grumpy kids, who insist "I'm not hungry" as you try to
get everyone fed and moving in the morning.
Even if you eat a healthy morning meal every day, it can be tough to
get kids fueled up in time for school, childcare, or a day of play. But
it's important to try. Here's how to make breakfast more appealing for
everyone.
Why Bother With Breakfast?
Breakfast is a great way to give the body the refueling it needs.
Kids who eat breakfast tend to eat healthier overall and are more likely
to participate in physical activities — two great ways to help maintain
a healthy weight.
Skipping breakfast can make kids feel tired, restless, or irritable.
In the morning, their bodies need to refuel for the day ahead after
going without food for 8 to 12 hours during sleep. Their mood and energy
can drop by midmorning if they don't eat at least a small morning meal.
Breakfast also can help keep kids' weight in check. Breakfast
kick-starts the body's metabolism, the process by which the body
converts the fuel in food to energy. And when the metabolism gets
moving, the body starts burning calories.
Also, people who don't eat breakfast often consume more calories
throughout the day and are more likely to be overweight. That's because
someone who skips breakfast is likely to get famished before lunchtime
and snack on high-calorie foods or overeat at lunch.
Breakfast Brain Power
It's important for kids to have breakfast every day, but what
they eat in the morning is crucial too. Choosing breakfast foods that
are rich in whole grains, fiber, and protein while low in added sugar
may boost kids' attention span, concentration, and memory — which they
need to learn in school.
Kids who eat breakfast are more likely to get fiber, calcium, and
other important nutrients. They also tend to keep their weight under
control, have lower blood cholesterol levels and fewer absences from
school, and make fewer trips to the school nurse with stomach complaints
related to hunger.
Making Breakfast Happen
It would be great to serve whole-grain waffles, fresh fruit, and
low-fat milk each morning. But it can be difficult to make a healthy
breakfast happen when you're rushing to get yourself and the kids ready
in the morning and juggling the general household chaos.
So try these practical suggestions to ensure that — even in a rush — your kids get a good breakfast before they're out the door:
stock your kitchen with healthy breakfast options
prepare as much as you can the night before (gets dishes and utensils ready, cut up fruit, etc.)
get everyone up 10 minutes earlier
let kids help plan and prepare breakfast
have grab-and-go alternatives (fresh fruit, individual boxes of
cereal, yogurt or smoothies, trail-mix) on days when there is little or
no time to eat
If kids aren't hungry first thing in the morning, be sure to pack a
breakfast that they can eat a little later on the bus or between
classes. Fresh fruit, cereal, nuts, or half a peanut butter and banana
sandwich are nutritious, easy to make, and easy for kids to take along.
You may also want to check out the breakfasts offered at school or
daycare. Some offer breakfasts and provide them for free or at reduced
prices for families with limited incomes. If your kids eat breakfast
outside the home, talk with them about how to make healthy selections.
What not to serve for breakfast is important too.
Sure, toaster pastries and some breakfast bars are portable, easy, and
appealing to kids. But many have no more nutritional value than a candy
bar and are high in sugar and calories. Read the nutrition labels
carefully before you toss these breakfast bars and pastries into your
shopping cart.
Breakfast Ideas to Try
The morning meal doesn't have to be all about traditional breakfast
items. You can mix it up to include different foods, even the leftovers
from last night's dinner, and still provide the nutrients and energy
kids need for the day.
Try to serve a balanced breakfast that includes some carbohydrates,
protein, and fiber. Carbs are a good source of immediate energy for the
body. Energy from protein tends to kick in after the carbs are used up.
Fiber helps provide a feeling of fullness and, therefore, discourages
overeating. And when combined with adequate liquid consumption, fiber
helps move food through the digestive system, preventing constipation
and lowering cholesterol.
Good sources of these nutrients include:
carbohydrates: whole-grain cereals, brown rice, whole-grain breads and muffins, fruits, vegetables
protein: low-fat or nonfat dairy products, lean meats, eggs, nuts (including nut butters), seeds, and cooked dried beans
fiber: whole-grain breads, waffles, and cereals; brown rice, bran, and other grains; fruits, vegetables, beans, and nuts
Here are some ideas for healthy breakfasts to try:
whole-grain cereal topped with fruit and low-fat yogurt
whole-grain waffles topped with peanut butter, fruit, or ricotta cheese
whole-wheat pita stuffed with sliced hard-cooked eggs
hot cereal topped with cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, or cloves
peanut butter on a whole-grain bagel with fresh fruit (banana or apple wedges) and low-fat milk
breakfast smoothie (low-fat milk or yogurt, fruit, and teaspoon of bran, whirled in a blender)
vegetable omelet with whole-wheat toast and orange juice
bran muffin and yogurt with berries
hummus on whole-wheat pita and milk
lean turkey on a toasted English muffin and vegetable juice
heated leftover rice with chopped apples, nuts, and cinnamon, plus fruit juice
low-fat cream cheese and fresh fruit, such as sliced strawberries, on whole-grain bread or a whole-grain bagel
shredded cheese on a whole-wheat tortilla, folded in half and microwaved for 20 seconds and topped with salsa
And don't forget how important your good example is. Let your kids
see you making time to enjoy breakfast every day. Even if you just wash
down some whole-wheat toast and a banana with a glass of juice or milk,
you're showing how important it is to face the day only after refueling
your brain and body with a healthy morning meal.
If you are concerned about keeping your child safe from sexual abuse,
this is your chance to create a safer environment and a support network
for everyone in your family. Youngsters are immediately safer when
parents and caregivers take the time to learn about sexual abuse and its
warning signs.
We talk about risk factors – what puts someone at risk to sexually
abuse a child but we must also talk about protective factors – the
things a family can do to keep the family safer. Protective factors are
the building blocks of your family.
Parents and caregivers who make a commitment to speak up as soon as
they have a concern, instead of waiting for certain evidence of harm,
play an even more crucial role in a child's safety. Here are some things
that you and your family can do to protect children from sexual abuse:
Know the signs
“Warning sign” is really just another way of saying “opportunity for
prevention” – a chance for caring adults to recognise possible risk and
to take action to protect children.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.
Open lines of communication
Whether talking with a child, adolescent, or adult, about sexualised
behaviours or your concerns, the conversation is just a beginning and
not a one-time event.
Let everyone in the family know it is OK to ask questions. It is
important for adults to set the tone for everyone by talking about the
range of healthy sexual behaviours and speaking up about sexual abuse.
The NSPCC has developed a guide for parents and carers to use with
children to help keep them safe. The Underwear Rule teaches children
that their body belongs to them,they have a right to say no, and that
they should tell an adult if they’re upset or worried. Download - the guide for adults. Download – the guide for adults to use with children.
Using some of our suggested books to read with children can
help you start some really important conversations. However, before you
read them with your child read them through yourself first, so that you
can judge if the information is appropriate for your child and so you
are familiar with the story. Finally, see these stories as a springboard
to further conversation, discussion and continued teaching and
learning. Find the list here.
Educate everyone in the family
Understand healthy sexual development in children as well as the
sexual behaviours that may be of concern to you as a parent/carer.
Learn the warning signs of a child who may have been hurt by sexual
abuse as well as the warning signs in an adult, adolescent or child who
may be touching a child in a sexual way. Your concerns may be about
non-touching behaviours as well (e.g. showing pornography to a child).
Teach children the proper names for body parts and what to do if
someone tries to touch them in a sexual way. Remember to let young
children know that no one has the right to touch their private parts
(unless for medical reasons) and that they should not touch anyone
else’s private parts.
Set clear family boundaries
Talk about and set clear family boundaries with family members and
with other adults who spend time around or supervise the children (e.g.,
if a child does not want to hug or kiss someone hello or goodbye then
he or she can shake hands instead).
If a child is not comfortable with a particular adult or older child
then you or some other adult must let that person know (e.g., tell him
or her that you don’t want your child to sit on his/her lap).
As a child matures, boundaries within the home may need to change as
well (e.g., knock on the door before entering the room of an
adolescent).
Get safe adults involved
Be sure that no one in your family is isolated. Identify one or more support people for every member of the family.
Research shows that one of the key factors in a child’s resilience
(ability to bounce back after stressful events) is that he/she had
someone to talk with and confide in. Be a safe, responsible and
consistent resource person for a child or adolescent.
If someone is “too good to be true” then ask more questions – this
friend or family member may not be a safe person for your child.
Unfortunately, unconditional trust cannot protect children from harm.
Take sensible precautions with who has access to your children
Be aware of who is paying attention to your children and who their friends are.
Don’t ignore any unease you feel about people showing interest in your child.
Know your local resources and how to access them.
Learn about the agencies in your area. Know who to call to make a report if you learn that a child has been sexually abused.
Seek help and advice - you are not alone
If you are concerned about the sexualised behaviours in a parent,
cousin, sibling, friend, or neighbour, care enough to talk with them. If
you are concerned about your own thoughts and feelings towards
children, help is available.
Make sure everyone knows that it’s OK to talk with you about what may
have already happened – that you love them and will help them. For
additional resources or for advice on developing your Family Safety Plan, call our Helpline on 0808 1000 900.
You can learn more about family safety and protecting children from
harm by taking part in our learning seminars, follow this link to
find out about our parent training sessions.
